by Iris Kit, from Thing #2, April 1990
How to Annoy Your Closest Friends
Aquarius: Stand too close to them and get intimate and personal. Tell them they’re too conformist. Insist that they check in with you 17 times a day.
Pisces: Tell them they’re self-pitying martyrs. Drag them to overly bright bars.
Aries: Tell them you don’t like them. Cut in front of them in lines. Show no passion.
Taurus: Vacillate. Be non-committal. Tell them they have poor taste. Don’t return what you’ve borrowed from them.
Gemini: Talk for hours in details about your feelings. Tell them they think too much. Don’t answer any of their questions.
Cancer: Tell them their home lacks warmth. Constantly remind them that they’re too sensitive.
Leo: Forget their birthday. Act like you know more than they do. Tell them they need to do something with their hair.
Virgo: Wear dirty, unpressed clothing. Spill things in their home. Spill things on them. Fold their laundry into little crumpled balls.
Libra: Insist that they make the final decision. Pick your nose in public in front of them.
Scorpio: Pry into their personal affairs. Be friendly to their enemies. Tell them you can see right through them. Tell them they have no sex appeal.
Sagittarius: Invite them to stupid, tacky parties. Criticize their philosophies. Tell them they need to be more responsible. Don’t laugh at their jokes… but laugh at them.
Capricorn: Make fun of their reputation. Tell them they look foolish. Question their competence.
